My siblings and I take large group trips, ranging from 8-15 people. I often am asked how we avoid coming to blows. Here is my advice.

Rule #1: Stay Home If You Don’t Want to Go
Someone in your family should not be going on the trip you have planned. They are homebodies who don’t want to traipse around the world with their relatives. The anxiety over this issue is a dark cloud creeping in to smother the adventure before you ever leave home. Address the elephant in the room and suggest they stay behind.

Note: My husband read this, and he thought I was a bit harsh. He suggested a long list of reasons why someone might not want to travel with my family.

Rule #2: Name a Trip Coordinator
Everyone should have a role in planning a group trip. You need one person who is in charge of developing a detailed itinerary and making reservations. In my family, this person is usually named Maureen. No matter what you call them, there must be a go-to person who will keep the trip on track.

Rule #3: Yes, You Need an Itinerary
Going with the flow is fine for solo or couple travel. Once you add multiple family members, you’d better have a plan or someone will end up crying. There is nothing more frustrating than a bunch of people sitting around repeating in an endless loop, “I don’t know. What do you want to do today?”

Rule #4: Gather the List of Must-Dos.
On a recent family trip, every member of our four-couple group had different must-dos. For example, my little sister wanted to visit bars she found on TikTok, eat at sandwich shops she saw on TikTok, and find never-seen-before-alleyways she discovered on TikTok, etc. Before making any itinerary decisions, everyone should submit their trip wishlists in order of priority.

Rule #5: Host Pre-Travel Planning Meetings
If you like these people enough to travel with them, you should be able to talk about the trip. The trip coordinator can run the meetings and review the itinerary as it takes shape. The travelers can voice any objections or new ideas. The travel coordinator then will use her Jedi mind tricks to convince everyone that her ideas are the best ones.

Rule #6: Make Reservations for Lunch and Dinner
Hangry happens. A large group of people should never stand around debating what to eat. Make reservations or plans for every single lunch and dinner. Keep the flexibility to change the reservations as needed, but don’t try to figure out where 12 people are going to eat at the last minute.

Rule #7: Allow Tagging Out for Any Reason
This is the most important rule. Your trip is not a prison–it’s a vacation. Not everyone in the group will want to do the same things at the same time. When you craft the itinerary, clarify who is interested in doing each activity. Everyone should have the right to change their mind and opt out at any time for any reason. Pre-paid fees or cancellation costs are each trip member’s responsibility, of course.

Note: After we set up the tagging-out-at-any-time rule, my sister later called me and said we needed a “safe word” in case she wanted to opt out of any activity. The lesson here is that people may need reminders about the tagging out rule.

Rule #8: Don’t Fight About Money
Money makes people fight. Figure how you will calculate bills before you leave. My family uses the Splitwise app for tracking who owes what to whom. Also, we have different income levels and financial goals. There is no pressure to fly in the same cabin class or stay in the same hotels. Remember this principle when you are flying in coach and your sister sends you photos from her first-class, private airplane cabin. [Note: My sister read this and gently reminded me that I requested these photos–she did not force them upon me. It’s true. She’s thoughtful that way.]

Rule #9: Remember This is a Once in a Lifetime Event
My family is spread out across the country. If we are together, it is because we love each other. Each trip is unique, a special event that will never happen again in quite the same way. Enjoy every second of the meals, the activities, and the togetherness–unless, of course, you need to tag out for a quick sanity break!

Bonus: T-Shirt Idea
On our latest trip together, my little sister made a group t-shirt for the trip. She is a group t-shirt kind of person, but others in the group would rather be caught dead than participate. Then, we came up with a compromise. We all would order a t-shirt, and one person would be assigned to wear it each day. Result: In our photos, at least one person was always wearing the t-shirt announcing that we were on my brother’s birthday trip. Brilliant.